I have always loved George Carlin....

George Carlin's Rules for 2007

New Rule:
Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule:
Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked about what was supposedly found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout ?

New Rule:
If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
WAIT: I don't get this one, wasn't that the whole purpose to ogle your He-Man Idols?

New Rule:
Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them ? Okay, we're done.

New Rule:
There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule:
Stop messing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule:
The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the ass hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge ass hole.
Oh man, this is sooo true. One of many reasons to hate an overpriced cuppa joe....

New Rule:
I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
Ya know, there have been times I have felt like that....also standing behind someone who seems credit card challenged....kindda like that commercial, Hey Lady, if I wanted to get in the slow line I would have gotten in a line where everybody was paying cash...gee, we have gotten so impatient in our old age!

New Rule:
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
I have wondered how many people really know what the Chinese characters are really says on their ass. "Easy Access", "Eat at Joe's", "Enter at your own Risk"

New Rule:
Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker
table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting ? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule:
I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
Is this M&M's answer to movie line in 'Drop Dead Gorgeous', "I have a big bag of little donuts".

New Rule:
If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
As I think about it, there probably is a lot of truth to this...and I would include reunion shows 20 years later. I don't mind a 'where are they now' episode, but seeing a 50 yr old Cindy Brady still in curls with a lisp would be a little creepy.

New Rule:
No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people's version of looting.
This is just classic....